Melvin Ally

It comes as no surprise that the rate in divorced or separated couples is on the increase in Sri Lanka and this is a worrying trend, the consequences of which might stretch out to future generations. One opinion is that as economies develop, the first institution to pay for it is marriage - which has its fair share of truth.

The working mother is one aspect of it. With the rise in the cost of living, very few families can survive with only one breadwinner and the working mother seems to be a necessity in today’s context. The career woman is the other side of the coin – many women are relatively more and more career-minded and career-focused where the majority of their time is spent with work and career (eg. professional exams) related issues. Hence with the increase of women in the country’s labour force (the Sri Labour Force Survey for the 1st Quarter of 2007 shows that 90.5% of the total female labour force is in employment), the time a woman has to spend with her family and children – to provide love, care and take care of the house – has greatly reduced. This is not to deny a woman’s right to work and progress in her career, but the consequences and implications of the actions should not be ignored.

Another important aspect is the advance of technology in the workplace. With the introduction of mobile phones, laptops, PDA’s, etc. there has been an emergence of a work-life imbalance within our community – at least the urban community anyway – and this has had an impact on family life as well. The normal working hours are now not limited to 8.30am – 5.30pm but an employee is expected to remain contactable right throughout the week on a 24 hour basis. In 24-hour industries such as shipping, full-capacity garment factories, etc. clocking out of the company has become a rather gray area with the employee never being actually off-duty. The same situation arises when an employee takes leave – he has to always be contactable. When work intrudes into your personal life and leisure time on a regular basis, frustration builds in and the family life is put under pressure. Let’s remember that this is applicable for both the husband and the working wife as well.

The stigma that was once attached to a person who was divorced has somewhat reduced in our society and this is a progressive step forward. The past argument ‘What will people think?’ no longer has the same effect or impact it used to. Nobody can argue that it is much easier for a single divorced person to integrate into society today than it was 10 - 15 years ago. However, with the implied acceptance of divorce in our society, the stigma barrier is also removed and this makes the decision to separate or divorce somewhat less painful.

Whilst there is obviously no official statistics on this, one could assume that extra-marital affairs seem to be on the increase as well. More people are open about it than previously with many single people less reluctant to be involved – in some way or the other - with a married person. With married individuals having more options open to them, pressure is put on marriages and this has also contributed to the increase in the divorce rates. The reluctance to go for marriage counselling is also a contributor but such facilities are likely not available islandwide.

One major consequence of divorce is the single parent and a child which grows up without a father-figure or mother-figure (or both) to guide them. The process of divorce is particularly painful for a child who sees his home crumbling before his very eyes – usually faster than he is able to understand it. Typical steps in a divorce and post-divorce situation would be:

1. Father and Mother frequently engaged in ugly arguments
2. One parent leaves the house in frustration
3. Divorce is agreed by the parents and this is conveyed to the child
4. Adjusting to life with a single parent
5. Realising that both of his single parents will start seeing other people
6. Seeing your Father and Mother settle down and marry a person other than your Father or Mother
7. Settling down with your Father’s or Mother’s spouse

How each child reacts to the various stages depends on the child, the individual parents and the situation. From a child’s point of view, no matter how good he is treated or made to feel, whatever situation which subsequently arises after divorce would always be ‘second best’. Another typical aspect of a single parent family is the additional freedom a child gets which might be mainly due to less supervision by an adult.

During the process of divorce, many children are vulnerable and subject to outside influence. They tend to turn to other forms of comfort and belonging, which could range from friends and family to smoking, drinking, drugs, pornography, relationships and sex – all of which come with additional consequences. When a child is exposed to these at an age where he/she is not mature enough to comprehend the dangers involved, there is always the likelihood that he/she will cross the vague line and might unknowingly find himself or herself in a very regrettable situation.

The break-down of a family is a serious anomaly in our society and this should be effectively addressed by the govt., religious institutions and NGOs as well. Setting up of counselling centres, career guidance and birth control are options. Since our society is deeply rooted in religion, I believe that religious institutions such as churches, temples, mosques, etc. should be more open to divorce and separation and seek ways of reconciling at all costs.

Children, by instinct, need security and when their homes are broken, to them, subsequently anything is fallible.